So much to give and to lose
by choup37
Summary: The Doctor doesn't think he is worthy of love anymore. Jack disagrees. And maybe, the two of them will find more than they first thought (9/Jack).


**New version, oups, without mistakes this time, thank you to Denielle Fervelle for her work!**

* * *

**So much to give and to lose**

* * *

_-D... Doctor.. Doc.. Doctor..._

The Timelord smiled, bending to kiss the young forehead. Jack's moans increased at the same time as his pace, the young man's hands hugging his shoulders tightly.

It looked like he couldn't help but come back to him.

His captain.

His Jack.

After a tense beginning, both men had quickly became more and more fond of each other, and it had not taken long before the Doctor took Jack to his word.

Weeks later, he knew he was damned.

He was falling in love with the damn kid, and nothing could stop it.

It was wrong, it was so wrong. He knew it, they couldn't build anything together, he was almost immortal and Jack was only human. There was a reason why he usually didn't let himself get so close to his companions, and it had become even worse since the War.

He wasn't worthy anymore.

But Jack didn't care. Jack had his own dark past, his mistakes, his crimes, his demons, so how could he judge the Doctor ? 'I'm worse than you, Jack,' he had told him, 'so much worse than you...' But Jack had only shaken his head, before stroking his cheek softly, the Doctor moving instinctively closer to his hand.

Jack had smiled sadly.

_\- I don't care._

_\- Jack ..._

_\- You forgave me what I had done, Doc, and all my mistakes ever since I came here, I... Please_, he had whispered softly as he moved closer to him, stopping only when he was only a few inches from him. _Please, Doc.. Let me help you too._

He had closed his eyes, the weight of his crimes and his self-hate siking on his shoulders.

_\- I don't deserve it, Jack._

_\- Say who? You ? Sorry Doc, but you don't get a word in that._ the little jerk had answered, his voice teasing and flirty.

The Doctor had rolled his eyes, but before he could speak, Jack was closing the distance between them, his other hand moving to the Timelord's shoulder. The Doctor's breath stopped as those damned pink lips found his, kissing him softly.

And then he was answering, gripping Jack's shoulders and waist hard, the kid's grin only making him more annoyed.

Damn it.

Damn kid.

It was all his fault.

* * *

Jack's breath was quiet as he slept, snuggled against the Doctor.

This latter smiled.

So beautiful.

So peaceful.

So alive.

Jack was the incarnation of life.

His brave and brash captain.

His smile increased.

So perfect. So extraordinary.

So Jack.

The boy would tease him senseless if he had any ideas that the Doctor though that.

Well, he already did, actually, and he had a lot of fun poking at him and using it to torment him.

It wasn't like the Doctor minded.

He loved every second of it.

It filled him with so much life and energy.

So much happiness.

He felt so happy when he watched him.

Oh, he wasn't stupid. He knew one day something would happen and he would lose him, like he had lost everyone. And it hurt, it hurt so much to just think about that, and that was why he did his best to be stupid and blind and deny it.

He was very good at that, after all.

He just wanted some happiness, was it to much to ask, bloody hell?

And Jack could give him that.

He was already doing it, every day, and every second of it.

His smile, his laugh, his wonderful blue eyes full of life.

His constant teasing.

His hands wandering everywhere, especially on his ass.

He would growl, and grumble, and roll his eyes, but he couldn't help but smile in the end.

Bloody jerk.

So annoying.

So kind.

So fun.

He loved it.

He loved him.

He had never told him, of course. Not because Timelords weren't supposed to fall in love, he didn't care about that, he had never been a good Timelord anyway. No, he was just unable to tell him. He would need to recognize it himself first, and it was so difficult already that to admit it out loud was unthinkable.

Jack didn't mind.

Jack had never thought the Doctor would fall in love with him.

To feel lust for him, yes, everyone did after all. To be concerned, to like him, to be his friend and mentor, yes, of course, this was what their relationship was about, after all, wasn't it?

It wasn't about stupid bloody love.

Jack wasn't in love with him.

Jack was totally in love with him.

He was since he had met him.

The bloody bastard.

How did he do that?

Jack couldn't imagine his world without him anymore.

He loved him so much.

He would give his life for him.

In the meantime, he had decided to just enjoy the most he got from his time with the Doctor.

He had no clue how long it would last, after all.

The Doctor didn't need to ask to know what Jack thought, and it hurt him, really. He wasn't just enjoying himself. He was giving him one of his heart. Something he had not done for a long time, not in that way at least. Couldn't Jack see that ?

But Jack was fighting his own demons, his lack of self-respect, his memories, his past, his guilt.

Just like him.

Jack had been the first to make a move to make something happen, but he wouldn't be the one who would recognize first this was more than kindness and comfort.

And of course, the Doctor had no clue how to tell it.

Feelings were such a mess, he was never good with them, and this regeneration was even worse.

Two stupid men, desperate to love each other, but too frightened to just admit they wanted to move to the next level.

* * *

The room was silent in the aftermath. The lights were low, their softness increasing the kindness of the moment.

Jack's fingers moved slightly on his torso, caressing it as he listened to the boum boum boum boum under his ear. A little smile tugged at his lips, before he kissed the skin under him.

_\- That was good._ he said softly.

It was the Doctor's turn to smile.

_\- Yes, it was._

_\- I... You're alright? You looked.. off, at some points._ whispered Jack.

The Timelord bit his lip.

Was he alright?

Was it the time to speak?

Was he supposed to?

It was such a good afternoon, why waste it?

But he had to speak. Jack deserved to know, and it hurt him to stay silent.

_\- It's not.. just fun, you know? For me?_

_\- What?_

_\- This._ he whispered, looking away. _What we.. what we do._

_\- What, sex?_ Jack asked, pushing himself up on an elbow.

_\- Yes, _the Doctor grumbled.

Always so crude. It usually amused him, but not now. The captain frowned, noticing the look in the Doctor's eyes.

_\- You're overthinking too much once again._

_\- I'm not! I... I'm trying to.. explain something._ the Doctor desperately answered, feeling like he was destroying the mood but with no other choice.

_\- I can see that. _Jack answered softly, before kissing him. _Keep going, beautiful._

The Doctor blushed at the word. He couldn't help himself, he just wasn't used to hear kind words, and Jack... Jack would use them all the time, even before they started, and it was kind, and heart-warming, but so... strange.

After so many years of war, the Doctor wasn't used to kindness anymore.

_\- Are you crying? _Jack whispered, standing abruptly.

_\- Am... Am I?_ He whispered back.

_\- Yes, yes you are, oh, no, Doctor... What's going on in your mind which is torturing you? Did I say something? Do something? Am I awakening bad memories? I'm sorry._ he breathed, brushing away the tears before kissing his cheek.

_\- No, no.. You're.. You're fantastic."_ he whispered weakly, even as he felt salted water fell on his face. _It's... It's just.. You think.._

_\- What? _Jack asked kindly.

_\- You think it's just fun. _he answered very softly.

_\- What do you mean? _Jack asked, confused.

_\- You say.. sex. I... I'm not having sex with you, Jack._

_\- Uh..._Jack blinked. "_Yes, you are." _He grinned. _And very good one._

The Doctor didn't smile.

_\- No._

_\- No?_

_\- No. I don't. Sex... It's just... lust. I don't have just... lust._

Why was it so difficult to say? He could spend hours talking about anything in front of everyone. He was well-known for his sudden speeches. And still here he was, unable to explain himself to his friend and companion.

His lover.

So many different meanings to lover.

And he couldn't explain the one he cared about.

But maybe, maybe he didn't need to. Jack had frozen, the look in his beautiful blue eyes changing as he suddenly understood what the Doctor meant.

_\- D... Doctor?_

_\- Me... My... my people... We don't... We can't just have... lust. _he whispered, looking down._ We need a... connexion. I... I have been unable to have one since... since... _His voice broke. _And then you appeared. You... You just... did it. I was so frightened. I... I still am,_ he recognized quietly. "_But I... I don't know if you feel it too... But I need you to know I do. I.._

His words died abruptly when a hand appeared on his cheek, cupping it before soft lips covered his, kissing them passionately. He moaned as Jack pushed him on his back, covering him in the process as his other hand moved to the Doctor's face too, holding it against him.

The Doctor, who was moaning, gripping Jack's arms as his hearts exploded.

Finally, the young man moved back, a grin on his face.

_ \- I love you too, you moron._

He frowned, before a huge smile of his own appeared on his face as relief and happiness took over worry and pain.

_\- Yes?_

_\- Yes, you stupid alien,_ Jack laughed, before kissing him passionately.

This time, the Timelord hummed, his hearts filled with a joy he had not felt in a long time.

Jack loved him too.

Everything was perfect then. Everything was... fantastic.

Jack's laugh as he pushed him on his back, riding him, only increased his smile.

No matter what would happen. No matter when, where or how. Right now, right here, in the darkness of his Tardis, with Jack's body moving against his own, love shining in his eyes, the Doctor was happy.

And wasn't it fantastic?


End file.
